When 2014 began I was excited about the year ahead. After much preparation, Dina and I were ready to try for a pregnancy which left me super amped about life and possibilities in general. You should know that I wasn’t the kind of girl who always dreamed about becoming a mom. But that all changed once I met Dina. And in the most recent couple of years, it became everything. I was optimistic and hopeful about the journey ahead – and most importantly, ready. Unfortunately, just like life tends to do, it threw me a giant curve ball and despite my want (and effort), things were not panning out the way I had intended and definitely not on the timeline I had created in my head. With that – all of my expectations slowly began to dwindle away. Disappointment is an understatment. Maybe it was naive of me to think that I would conceive so quick, especially being a same-sex couple and having to embrace the process on a clinical level only, but I certainly didn’t expect this kind of resistance. Both my mind and body were prepared, and I couldn’t understand why it was working against me.
That’s what’s funny about life – no matter how much you think you can plan for it, the path is most often indirect. In moments of defeat, I have to remind myself that this must be the intention because I’ve learned most of my lessons through the struggle. But it certainly does not make it easier. 2014 was likely my hardest year to date and by the end I was completely depleted. To be honest, I shut down. On top of our baby-making journey, as a blog writer, and someone who is trying to grow a business, at year end, I had nothing more to give. Which also explains my absence from Your Soul Style. I was empty. Our trip to Parrot Cay, Turks and Caicos could not come soon enough and I was ready to escape the reality of the past year. So that’s what we did. We completely disconnected from everything and everyone.
Our trip was wonderful. It was exactly what we both needed, and I could have used more time away. So much so that I think I said to Dina on the daily, “Are you sure you don’t want to just cash in and move to an island?”. When life becomes unbearable, that’s always my go-to. The dreamer in me comes alive, and I crave nothing but a simpler life. I often wonder if that lifestyle just makes more sense for me, especially in moments when life becomes intense and heavy. Like all steady and practical partners, Dina brought me back to earth. And while I still continue to dream of something easier, she reminds me that life is never easy. No matter where on this planet we land.
Our eight days of sea and sun were bliss, but detaching is what helped me most recalibrate. We did nothing except relax. I read three books, swam, sunbathed, ate, and slept a ton. Even Dina who tends to be more active melted into the vacation. We were in bed by 9:3o every night. And the best part of the entire trip was that we were not distracted by the outside world. We were there with each other – engaged, present and healing together.
Life is unpredictable, and by now I should have learned that things don’t usually happen the way we plan. I take with me the lessons of 2014 and will apply them to everything that comes my way in 2015 and beyond. I’m ready to embark on the new year, and face whatever challenges come my way. I know the road is long, and will have endless bumps. So while this past year was one of the hardest, I do believe it has prepared me for what’s to come. I am stronger now. I am more enlightened. I am more humble. I am more patient. I am more grateful.
And I will be a better mama to the soul that has finally found its way into our lives. On my 6th attempt to get pregnant (4 IUI’s and 2 rounds of IVF), I finally conceived. Today, I am 3 months pregnant, and Dina and I are expecting our little baby boo on July 13th, 2015….
